Dear HM Government,

This is to notify you of the founding of the First Church Of Blessed Toastology, which will formally bring into being an organization to bring together all those who respect the divinity of flat bread-based cooked breakfast foods not only in this country but all over the world.

I am High Priestess Of Jam And Sweet Spreads. I am infallible, apparently*, I have ultimate authority over all members of our faith, and it is I who holds the holy Bread Knife – as once wielded by our deity, Mr Bun The Baker – which I can pronounce any doctrine I like so long as I am holding above my head.

Now that we are incorporated into a body – we'll have our own Facebook group and everything! – we shall of course expect to be treated with the deference given to other religious groups.

1. Since, apparently, "traditional beliefs" come before the law of the land or what is morally or philosophically correct, I feel it important to point out that the law against shoplifting is not in accordance with traditional Toastist doctrine.

Therefore we demand an exemption from the Theft Act 1968 to allow our followers to purloin supplies of bread, toasters, butter, spreads, and crockery in accordance with the High Priestess' First Decretum; "And lo, verily, thou must empty the shops of all Toast-related items, so that they do not fall into the hands of the heathen unbelievers. Hoard your bread! Hoard your butter! Hoard your toast racks! For it has been revealed to me that only those who truly believe in Mr Bun The Baker will be saved when the Big Oven explodes!"

2. The Second Decretum holds that followers of the faith must carry a jar of Nutella with them at all times, in a small handbag, just in case there's a bit of dry toast that needs spreading before consumption.

We expect that these jars – which, of course, must remain untouched by any heathen – will not be subject to airport or other scrutiny. We will regard it as "human rights abuse" if they are ever taken from a follower in police custody or similar circumstances.

3. We demand that the National Curriculum includes Toastist doctrine as part of the "balance" necessary in young people's education, and that in our own schools [which you'll give us lots of money to set up] we can tear up the whole sodding thing and just teach what we like.

Central to this is the truth revealed by our A Bit Burnt Cosmologist, Nicholas Parsons**, that so-called "atoms" are merely crumbs from Mr Bun The Baker's Really, Really Big Piece Of Toast; the fact that so-called "science" reveals them to not be made of bread, nor that anyone has ever seen, detected or logically deduced the Really, Really Big Piece Of Toast is heresy, and if anyone tries to say any of that we'll argue with them in a circular and irrational way until they get bored and give up.

[Also see: climate change, which is absolutely nothing to do with CO2, but it means Mr Bun The Baker turned the browning knob up a bit.]

4. The First Church of Blessed Toastology is a peace-loving religion, which teaches love and compassion.

Unless you disagree with us, in which case you're going to be damned to having red-hot toasting forks poked in your genitals for the rest of eternity.

We have no concept of "holy war" or "crusade", but we don't like Luton's one-way system very much. Watch it.

5. Followers of the faith must, in accordance with The Third Decretum, wear cute shoes at all times. The fact that cute shoes have nothing at all to do with toast is utterly irrelevant  here, and you've been mortally damned just for thinking that already, okay?

And don't even think of trying to besmirch our name by splashing all over the papers the kind of thing the High Priestess does with followers with cute shoes. That won't work at all.

6. Oh, and by the way, we own Inverness now. Bad luck.

The above represent only a part of the customs, laws and traditions of our Church, which we'll change any time we feel like it just because we can, and which you're not allowed to question. At all. So yah boo sucks.

Love to Rowie and Cormac.

Signed,

The High Priestess Of Jam And Sweet Spreads, In Her Infinite Glory And Butteriness.

—————————————–

* "Infallible? he must be a bugger to play Trivial Pursuit with". Credit for this joke: Who Dares Wins, circa 1985.
** Not the Nicholas Parsons. Unless you're reading this, Nicholas, in which case you're welcome to join.